unhappy or am i?

It’s wrong of me to say I’m unhappy I don’t think I am really. I have an amazing supportive boyfriend who works hard everyday to pay the bills because I’m not currently working. Who tells me he loves me more than anything. I’m sober, though I will admit I don’t want to be but I am. The loss of my baby has me reeling. Everything was so perfect we struggle yes but we struggle together. I feel like everything I’ve worked for is going to come crashing down around me. Will this cause me to relapse? I’ve never been one to stay strong at times like these. What if I do? Will the man I need just to keep breathing walk right outta my life as if he never existed in the first place? Is he able to look me in the eye & not hate me for failing at the one thing my body was programmed to do? Am I wrong to wish that my heart to would stop beating? Should I just let this all bottle up inside until my pain shows as thick red lines on my body I can’t stay strong forever do I beg & plead for help or will that make me more of a failure. I’m lost & weak & scared & alone.  23 god damn years old why cant I stand on my own two feet for more than a few fucking weeks. But in the end I’m not unhappy at least i don’t think. I don’t hate my life, not really everything was going too good until now. Was it all just the calm before the storm?


I haven’t posted anything in a while, I’ve just been to happy to stop & think about posting a blog.

Not like there is many out there to listen or care but now I have so much going on in my head that I need to spill it or I might explode.

For once I’ve been happy really happy. I’m sober, have the most amazing loving man by my side & yes we are struggling a little with me not working & trying to figure out how we are going to get by but thing weren’t bad. we have each other & that’s all that really matters.

I had some spotting & thought of great here comes another hellish period full of menstrual migraines and horrible cramps but it only lasted about a hour I knew something was off & took a test just for shits & giggles & low and behold I found out we were pregnant. never had I felt such happiness as I did when I saw the little pink faded line on the test. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t believe it.that is until I took 4 more one a day later and sure enough it had a solid blue line.

I was so happy, knowing I had a little life growing in side of me. It made me feel like I was worth something knowing I had something to hold on to that would love me unconditional no matter how imperfect I was. I loved my baby from that moment on. All these thoughts start racing in my head. Would it be a boy or girl? would it look like me or would you look like its amazing daddy. I couldn’t wait to get my first picture to show everyone my perfect little jellybean. I took to the internet & read some books trying to figure out what i need to do to insure I had a safe & health baby with all my medical problem I didn’t want to do something that would harm my little jellybean. I was scared outta my mind thinking about all the stuff that could go wrong I just wanted to know the baby was okay & growing to be big & strong.

I worried for weeks, just wanted to see my baby’s little heart beating away.

On Monday the 15th I went to the doctor.Jesse & I was so nervous & excited & when I saw the baby on the screen in front of me Ii felt so alive in my life, it was a high no drug had ever given me.

The doctor showed me its little heart beating away & all my fears just melted. I could see it with my own eyes it wasn’t a dream it was real. I proudly showed off my pictures to Jesse & I’s family so happy to know we had something that was apart of both of us something we could love and care for. We talked about how our new life as parents would be & about how much we love the tiny baby but that joy didn’t last very long.

September 21 started off early, waking up at 4:30 am so I could get my Jesse up & moving for work, the night before we had went out to his fathers for dinner & I hadn’t been feeling well so getting up that early was going to be a pain. when the alarm went off I quickly went to the bathroom like I’d done everyday to get in before my boyfriend took his 20 minute shower & got dressed . After I went pee I looked down to see blood in the toilet my heart dropped to my knees. I called for my boyfriend & told him somethings wrong I knew all that blood meant something horrible & we rushed off to the ER.

 I was quickly taking bad & examined the bleeding had stopped & I hoped for that best maybe it would all be okay. I thought because I had no cramping that they would tell me your over reacting your baby is fine.

 The nurse came if & told me i couldn’t get my ultrasound done for another hour or two because the tech wasn’t in yet. So we sat & waited & waited for what seemed like forever.

When it was time i couldn’t breath i didn’t want to hear bad news

I watched on the screen for any sign that my baby was still there asking the tech if she could tell me anything to put my mind at ease. Each question i asked just gone the response “I’m sorry I cant tell you that I’m just a tech”. But I could see with my own eyes not a single little fast of the screen to give me that littlest of hope.

I never felt fear like that in my life I prayed it would be a false alarm I’m no doctor I must have missed something. More waiting & waiting. when the doctor came in my heart started racing. She sat down & started going on about something but i cant remember what she was saying my head was buzzing & that part is just a blur. She broke the bad news that i already knew & I tried to stay strong but when she said I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat i felt like mine had stopped as well. my boyfriend began to cry & I couldn’t hold it in any longer I’ve never cried so deeply in my life, never felt so much pain, not only mine but the loss my boyfriend felt as well. the next day i had to go to my ob to have her confirm it .

I had hopes that the ER doctor was wrong i didn’t want to believe that my baby was gone but she too could not find a heartbeat.She talked to be about why it happens or how you might not know how it happens & all my options. I wasn’t showing any signs of miscarrying anytime soon & couldn’t stand the thought of carry my lost baby around until it happen natural. I did some reading online about some time when the body doesn’t know it lost the baby & how some people down miscarry the baby for weeks so i opted for a D&C.

On Tuesday September 23 i went in for the D&C How fucked up is it that the surgery would be done on the labor & delivery floor.  My boyfriend & I didn’t talk much, I mean what do you say at a time like that. We had done a lot of crying & holding each other the night before so I guess there weren’t any tears left. I kissed him goodbye as I was talked to the OR. I was so scared of the pain when everything went black. I woke up back in my room with the nurse & my boyfriend calling my name. I remember saying it hurts it hurts but when I think back to it I really don’t think I was in pain at all. I think I was just scared that the more wake I because the more it would hurt.

I was given a shot of morphine & when I started feeling it I thought I might have peed myself. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is my doctor telling me everything went good but I did have a little extra bleeding that they gave me a shot to stop it & that the bleeding shouldn’t be to heavy. After another hour I wanted to get dress & try to eat something so my boyfriend & the nurse helped me get up. Jesse’s eyes got big so I looked down to see blood running down my legs but I was to numb to really care at that point. Jesse’s doesn’t do to well with blood & I think it really hurt him to see my like that. 

Its been two days since it happen & I’m starting to feel better. I get upset when the cramping gets really heavy but I take another pain pill & lay down until it slowly passes. We’ve cried a few time since then. Jesse is taking it pretty hard & it hurts me. My own emotional & physical pain doesn’t bother me a much as knowing he is suffering. I keep hugging him & telling him it going to be okay I know its not helping. He loved the idea of being a daddy so much & i know he would have been the greatest father anyone could ask for. I cant help but think he blames me for it all. It was my body that should have taken care of his baby & it couldn’t do that.

It saddens me that I’ll never get to hold my baby or see it;s smiling face. will never get to swipe away it;s tear & tell it how much it was love. From the very moment we saw that little line we loved it with all our hearts. My baby will never know how much I care how much he or she was wanted I would trade my life easily to take a way the sorrow that the man i love more then any feels & to have that baby back& safe in his arms. My poor heart is broken how to I go on from here? How to i keep moving knowing I’ve lost something that meant so very much to me. Everyone says don’t give up you can try again but I don’t want a new baby I want mine back. I feel like I’m being punished for all the bad things I’ve done. Like because of me my baby didn’t have the right to live. I’m so fucking lost & so fucking scared that I will never be able to have a healthy baby.That I will never be happy, that jesse will see I’m broken & not want me anymore that he will blame me for this loss. 

diary of a mixed up girl

A lot has happened over the last few weeks. its amazing, over a month sober! Ive got a good paying job at a grocery store. the works not hard & the hours are good. made new friends & most importantly, meet my boyfriend at work. things are really starting to look up. Hes amazing & handsome, kind & smart. I don’t have to hide who i am or who i was in front of him. He knows all about my past & drug use but want to stand by my side thought any struggles. we only been dating about a month but he has seen a lot of shit happen because of my crazy mixed up life & hasn’t run yet! haha i never thought i would meet anyone like him, he’s the best thing i could ever ask for. I really want this to work out & don’t want to do anything to fuck it up. He isn’t like other guys Ive dated & would never treat me the way past guys have. its only been a month but i love him i really do. im kinda scared that something is going to happen because when ever something good happens i ruin it or something crazy happens. i hope he wants to stick around, he is the reason I’m sober.

He’s the only thing that keeps me going, ive never had anyone tell me how beautiful i am or how amazing they think i am. ah hes soooooo perfect & cute & funny. im on cloud 9 right now.

my first time

I remember the first time i ever shot up. in the back lot of a grocery store with my best friend. it was weird the more i think about it.  I couldnt hit myself so my friend did it for me. the high was insane, & it was also the start of all my troubles

“She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle”

Birthday count down

Shit, my birthday is in 10 days.

Most people get happy when their birthday rolls about but I’m kinda like ah fuck. I’m going to be 23 years old! now that might seem like a big deal to most but I feel soooo old. Growing up you think i cant wait to be an adult & now I’m fighting to get back my youth. I know it’s only 23 but I think of it as 2 more years till I’ll be 25, crap. 7 more years till I reach 30! holy shit! The last few years have flown by in the blind of an eye. & I want it all back! its not fair!The fuck happen! one minute i was a punk ass kid partying it up, not a care in the world & then it all changes. I’m trying to hold down a full time job, keep my head on straight & paying bills. It never crosses your mind when you are young about the struggles of being an adult. Like not once did I stop & think about how hard it was gonna be, I never seen it coming. All of a sudden I had to get a job, dropped outta high school to work full time & be an adult. That was six years ago! damn did i think it would be different. I lost touch with a lot of friends or simple stopped talking to them because they still had the luxury to act like spoiled teens & I didn’t have time to listen to the non-scene. Bitch I’m riding the bus to struggle town! beep! beep! aint nobody got time for that!

I’m in a funk not working or being able to pay my bills it getting to me, then my birthday rolls around & I’m just not in the mood for it. I’m really not ready to blow out the candles yet. who knows maybe having some friends & family over for a cookout will do me good. all I’ve been doing is sitting around the house thinking way to much. ah lets hope 23 is a better year,

Help I’m alive

so Ive been shooting dope for about 4 months or so. got busted now what.

let me give you the back story.

Ive been doing drugs off & on forever.
started smoking weed at 9 was blowing coke, pills doing meth & shit by 13.

Ive always had trouble with drugs, I come from a small dieing town in northeast Ohio.
doing drugs is what we do.
I’m the middle child of 5, parents never really care. had lots of problems & fucked up things happen to me growing up. I guess Ive always tried to numb everything by turning to drugs or self harm but it always seem that when shit got hard I could sober up on my own. Meth addiction Kicked it. Pills, Coke other shit, Kicked it on my own. No one really knew I was a addict until I started voicing it.
& I’m not talking some did a couple zanna every so often like a lot of kids in high school I’m talking hardcore shit.

Well the last several months have been hard. like real fucking hard I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what was happening & I was starting to stress out. now normal when I get super stressed I self harm Always have & always will its just something fucked up about me.

But I was worried someone would find out I was doing it again & get all up in my business.
So I didn’t, I thought about it for a while but just suppressed my rage.

Well I broke up with my boyfriend & moved back home with my mom. about a week after I moved I ended up meeting up with a friend “Blank” that had been working outta town for a few months who i had not seen in a while because my boyfriend wouldn’t let me.

"Blank" had just got kicked out of his place & need somewhere to go so my mom let him stay at my house until he could find a place because he was sleeping in is car. Mind you its dead winter in northeast Ohio. its cold as fuck, my mom wanted to help him out. we had been friends for years. my whole family loved him.

well we got to talking the one day after work about all the fucked up shit that had gone down. old habits plans for the future catching up when he told me he’d been shooting up for a while but had been sober about 4 months. we talked about getting high what past addicts. I’d been sober about a year after kicking a year long meth addiction.

Id blown dope before but never shot it up.
we both work 3rd shift him at a factory & I was a waitress at a 24/7 restaurant.

the one morning he picked me up from work & we wanted to smoke but I was outta bud & no pot dealer is up at 7am. I made a joke about getting some dope.
dude asked if I knew where to get some. I had the hook up & figured what the hell Ive earned the money I could use a good high. 30 minutes later I’m sitting at my dealers house dope in hand. I’m a diabetic, used to take insulin so I went to the local CVS walked right in & got my needles & a bottle of water. “Blank” & I sat in the giant eagle parking lot to cook up are shit.

Ive done a lot of drugs before but the moment that boy put that needle in my arm I was on cloud 9. the best way to describe the feeling of dope is if you’ve ever been put under to get surgery & love the floating cloudy numb high you get as your fighting the buzz to stay awake just a little longer to enjoy it, you would love the shit outta dope. The flush that ran through me was like no other I didn’t care where I was, didn’t care about what was happening in my life. I was only in that moment that moment that seemed to last forever. At the single moment I was hooked.

We had said it was only a one time thing, but after that day the addict in me came flying back at full speed. We said only today, well I have the money so why not tomorrow too. we’re not hurting anyone who cares if its fucked we’re high we sure don’t. then it because a everyday thing. Get off work score some dope, shoot said dope lay around high floating in nothing sleeping for a few hours then back to work & home again to repeat it the next morning.

We knew what we had gotten are self’s in. take a day or two from it, dope sick. If you have never been dope sick imagine getting hit by a bus, having the flu & dieing all at one time. Its not a walk in the park. You cant think, eat function nothing. You toss & turn all day trying to sleep. Your whole body aches. You literally want to die than have to deal with withdrawal.

So what happen. we muster up enough strength to head to my dude & then it starts all over.

After awhile I guess my family started to figure something was up.

One day my friend & I are trying to meet up with dude to get the hook up. its about 5 in the evening & Im sitting at burger king waiting to get the call when my cell rings. Its my mom, she said “i gotta talk to you when you come home, so try & be here soon” I’m like yeah I’m trying to get some weed so it might be awhile. I couldn’t tell oh sorry the dope man running late & she smokes weed let me some as a teenage so I know It was a no questions asked excuse. we hang up & i keep waiting about 15 minutes later she calls saying my dad needs to talk to me. thats when I worry. My dad & I have never gotten along for as long as I can remember. He treated me like shit growing up but was nice to my younger siblings & my older half siblings so why the fuck would he have anything to say to me. I’m like what the fuck is going on just tell me but she said no not until I get back to the house so I hang up. just then the dope man calls so I go a re-up & start heading home. My friend kept asking “do you think they found are riggs” It never crossed my mine. I kept my shit in an old shoe box under a table in my bedroom, where nobody ever goes. Well we get back & walk in my room in the basement & there in the middle of the floor is my box wide open shit hanging outta it. I told my friend to pack his shit I’ll be back after I talk to my parents. I go to the sun porch where they smoke at. the next 45 mintues are kinda a blurr. I remember mom my saying something about finding my shit, my dad asking what was on the spoon. like dude your 54 you know what the fucks on the spoon. they ask how long I say a few months they try to blame my friend, not the case I ask them why they care now, they never cared in the past when Id come home fucked up so what changed. after threats to call the cops, put me in rehab my mom says to my dad go toss “blank” the fuck out. my dad takes off to the basement screaming get the fuck out look what you did I’m gonna call the cops you know the whole routine. “blank” just keeps saying sorry man I know I’m leaving mean while my parenting all sorts of shit that I really don’t remember at this point, my world is spinning so fast I’m screaming for it to all stop for them to let me go to let me leave but they keep at it screaming threatening to beat “blanks” ass & all that jazz. i just freaked I punched a bunch of wholes in the wall are screamed as loud as I could, I was so over it all I just wanted to leave. I sorta remember “blank” telling me to calm down it was gonna be okay. I tell him to leave that I’ll call him in a few to pick me up & my parents are like oh no she wont mind you I’m 22 years old not 15 the couldn’t keep me there. I cry & cry & cry I couldn’t stop myself I was trapped after convincing them I need some space & that Id be back I left. I called “blank” to pick me up & started walking to the meet up spot. I called my sister who knew what was going on to ask if i could stay at her house. she did drugs too she knew how the game worked so “blank” picked me up & we went there. that was a Thursday, I called off work because i mean who wants to work after that shit goes down ya know? That whole weekend was filled with drugs I spent over $300 dollars that weekend I didn’t care what was going to happen to me. I need to be floating, numb. I cried & scream about why now they (being my family) had to act like they care.

"blank" was there cuddling with me, he had been sleeping in my bed for about a month for cuddling wasn’t weird to us. He was my best friend we did shit like that. If "blank" had not been at my side through all this i wouldn’t be here typing it all out that’s for sure. He was my rock, he kept me safe, if anyone fucked with me he would deal with them. he would kiss my face & tell me he loved me when I was sick from shooting to much. we talked about getting sober, together.

After about 2 days he go dope sick as shit. I remember laying in bed with him & him begging me to kill him. that he hurt so bad. it was terrible I hate see him so sick & being able to do nothing so we shot up again. just to keep the sickness away.

everyone thought we had stopped but secretly it was still happening.

after about a week I went home & he went back to sleeping in his car until he was able to sleep at his moms house.

One day we had made plans to meet up & party. at about 9 in the morning I talked to him & said Id call when I got the shit. so around 12pm I texted no reply 4pm called twice no reply. I figured fuck it he passed out then called another friend to run me to my dude to pick up. shortly after getting off the phone with her. “blank” calls me. I ask “ay man what you up to” now never in my mine did I think the reply would be “just got outta the hospital I OD’D.” my heart stopped in my fucking chest. he told me he had gotten some fire & had been shooting up nonstop since I talked to him at 9. now the addict in me was like wtf you’ve been shooting without me! fucked up i know. But I deeply care for “blank” & i was upset this was happening. I started thinking about how it was all my fault & how a lot of my friends had died, that he could have been next & it was all my fault if i never said anything about dope months ago he wouldn’t have been in the hospital. It was all my fault, everything. I cant just drag myself down I have to take others with me because I’m so fucked up I want someone to be fucked up with me. & to drag “blank” down. who is probably the only person I really ever cared about. It made me sick. he has a two year old daughter how would she have felt if we died & she had to be told her daddys gone. if i would have gotten the call from his mother saying he gone my world would have fallen to piece. I would have ending my own like it would have only seemed fair. I wanted to ruin myself.

when I met up with him a hour later he looked different, he looked lost, scared, sick, blank. when i reached out to hug him he was shaking & held on to me longer then he ever had. my heart was breaking for what I did. for what I caused I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. he made his own bed but I feel like i made him sleep in it. for the next few day my brain was spinning I couldn’t tell anyone because they all thought I was clean.

a few days after it went down I had a nightmare that he OD’D again & i woke up in a panic. I had to call him to know he was okay. I called him, its seems like the phone rang forever then he picked up “ay yo whats up” my fucking heart dropped to my vagina. I was so happy to hear his voice. I was so worried I’d never hear him again. that later that day I would have gotten the call “blanks” dead. I’m crying now sitting here right it because it breaks my heart to think about.

I rolled a joint & he came & picked me up. It was a cold day but it was sunny & there wasn’t a lot of snow on the ground so we when to the river & talked for a few hours.

He told me he plans to go to rehab, I ask do you think you need it.
I know he needs it but I’m not ready to be sober again & rehab teaches you to distance yourself from bad influences or people you party with. If he went to rehab I lose my best friend & after he got sober he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I know it. why hang out with the junkie, nothing special about her she just sits around & shoots up dope.

I want to discourage him, tell him its stupid, not to go. you cant do all the fun things in rehab that you can do in the real.

I know its fucked up & wrong on many levels to think that way. to ask someone to be a user because I cant cope without them. but I mean from day one of our friendship we have been together everyday. I needed him in my life & everything was about to be ripped away from me.

I don’t know what to do anymore

I want to get sober but I cant see it happening anytime soon.
I love the high when the needle in my vein love the rush. I love drugs & i know I’ll chose them over anything else.

I need help but who do I ask my family thinks I’m sober. my other friends don’t know I was ever on dope.

my life is falling apart. everything happen so fast i didn’t have time to brace myself & the impact was so hard I never caught my breath

I don’t know, I’m lost in the dark.